Monday, December 05, 2005

Untethered, First Quarter Results

(Tentative)
For the fiscal quarter ending 30 Nov. 05

In this report, “Untethered”, “Company”, “Dennis Dale”, and “Dennis” refer to the weblog Untethered and its sole owner and proprietor Dennis Dale. Owing to the psychological reorganization completed on 31 August 2005, the two are to be considered a single entity, unless specificity is required in describing the physical person of Dennis Dale or the unique status of the weblog itself as an internet entity, in which case such specificity will be noted. This report contains forward looking information regarding our operations and future goals. Actual results may differ from expected results for a variety of reasons including the factors discussed in the various psychological assessments, court ordered and otherwise, to be listed and included with the final and official form of this document.

Description

The weblog, Untethered, having been established on 31 Aug. 05 states as its institutional goals “the furtherance of the egotistical gratification and general promotion of its owner and sole proprietor, Dennis Dale, through widespread promulgation of his ideas, opinions and satirical ramblings regarding the issues of the day, leading to complete and total world domination or some semblance thereof.”
Untethered operates out of the greater Seattle, Washington area from a location which remains undisclosed due to security and privacy concerns and a desire to avoid legal action stemming from activities taken up before Untethered’s inception and completely disavowed by Untethered and its management.

Management’s Discussion and Analysis

Untethered’s egocentric goals are presented in United States Standard Self Esteem Points (USSSEP) in accordance with generally accepted blogger accounting principles (BAP).
Results are for the three months ended 30 November 2005.

Results of Operations

Forecasts for the quarter ending 30 Nov. 2005 were not met. These include, but may not be limited to:

1. Idea promulgation. Forecasts of 31 Aug. predicting significant progress toward world domination have so far proved unrealistic. Reasons for this include the insufficient ideational development, faulty manufacture of ideas, ineffective marketing of ideas, and limited success in promotional activities seeking brand recognition, discussed below.

Focus group testing has determined that ideational development was too narrowly focused in the political and satirical markets. Competing firms have demonstrated a significant advantage over Dennis in these markets, most likely owing to superior expertise in these areas.

Difficulties in manufacturing were largely the result of faulty quality control, specifically in the formation of coherent sentences, paragraphs, and overall post composition. Grammatical expertise is still lacking, resulting in inconsistent quality regarding capitalization, punctuation, and an ongoing shortage of style. Quality Control continues to address these problems, making significant progress in most areas. An overabundance of semi-colons continues to present a challenge. This work will be out-sourced in the future.

Marketing research continues to indicate declining opportunities for the cynical, semi-coherent, loosely structured product design of the past quarter and has proposed significant product redesigns to address these issues. Massive losses in the newly formed Satire Division continue to present the greatest threat to future profitability. Feasibility studies are under way to determine the best course of action regarding this division; options being discussed range from its possible absorption by the Snark and Snide Commentary Division to the possible sale of the division, whole or in part. Potential buyers have not yet been identified.

2. Egotistical gratification. Forecasts predicting the complete vanquishing of Dennis’ foes for the attentions of specifically targeted area women went unmet. Dennis suffered a major loss when attempts to merge with the most desirable of these firms, Rachel Tiegarten, collapsed due to the merger of said firm with rival entity Joe Burdon. A second merger vigorously pursued with the firm of Lisa Davis was derailed when the aforementioned firm announced a new policy of mergers and acquisitions limited to like-kind companies, commonly known as “lesbianism.” Dennis remains committed to seeking out new merger opportunities and has identified several promising targets among firms which are somewhat older and viewed as less desirable by potential rivals.

(continued)

2 comments:

andy said...

I consider this Sarbanes-Oxley compliant blog a definite buying opportunity.

Dennis Dale said...

I should warn you: poison pill measures are in place to confound any hostile takeover attempts. We stand ready to instantly reinvent the site as a daily chronicle of the cute little foibles of my daughter's cat.