Episode originally aired on Saturday, September 01, 2007
Dread and Mobility
unofficial labor day drunken draft pre-mix
As an adolescent I read somewhere about a society that taught their young how to manipulate their dreams. For them the lucid dream state was a virtual realm in which one could, among other things, confront his fear. These people claimed to have trained their young to make of the common (universal?) dream of falling the opportunity to take flight.
Long before that I was morbidly fascinated by the landscaping around and trapped within the spaces within the freeways of L.A. County. I imagined it as one whole, connected by but the thinnest isthmus in places, yet still one complete, looping and lolling strand of a place. Occasionally you'd see evidence of a pathetic human presence there: an abandoned cardboard bed perhaps, seen in passing, circling around and above on an onramp and looking down into a miniature grove, or glimpsed in the split between two elevated roads, in some gully created by the folds of the Beast (will you allow me this conceit, so I don't have to alternate "interstate" with "freeway" repeatedly?).
From the beginning I was a fearful child steeped in dread. Sighting the artifacts of a wretched human presence in the mossy folds of the Beast thus added to the growing list of potential future personal dystopias, like becoming a "Jesus freak" (in the parlance of the seventies, when
Jesus freaks were like harmless but annoying hippies--of course many of them were ex-hippies; whether any souls were saved I'll leave to the faithful, but I believe the evangelicals did save quite a few lives in the late drug era) or a junkie: one could also end up living in a murky crease beneath a freeway overpass. Life seemed to offer unlimited iterations of prolonged, miserable failure.
My recurrent falling dream was influenced by an aerial photo I'd seen once, of a multiple-freeway interchange: an overwhelming profusion of bridge overpasses, connecting roads and ramps, curling and intersecting like grotesque tendrils mating their serpentine hosts. Sometimes anight I found myself suspended in the atmosphere above this, any moment to fall; specifically (somehow I knew) to fall into the iceplant-bound nether-region of the freeway landscaping. Well, it was a short dream, and only vaguely unnerving. A typical Dale effort: a falling dream without the falling.
Aside from the occasional tramp, runaway, or the rare recent release from a nearby mental hospital using the vagabond byways of the mostly razed suburban blocks, three wide, that cut through our neighborhood, intersecting with the encased-in-concrete San Gabriel River (the "Riverbed") running in a gentle bend north to south, we had one resident homeless (
resident homeless!) person in the neighborhood where I grew up. "Homeless" wasn't yet in use; we called one in his particular circumstance a "bum." I'm certain that in the battle for common usage primacy, the timeless
bum is, in laconic, unsentimental Norwalk, still holding his own against the ranks of the
homeless. I'm sure
Jesus freak still has a place there too, not far away.
Our resident homeless was also native to the city. Some claimed to know the name of this spectral, grey presence, taking on chameleon-like the hue of the concrete cubbyholes on the underside of the Imperial Highway bridge over the Riverbed where he sometimes slept. That's where we very nearly walked right into him in the dark one night. Someone let out a startled, "who's that?" He answered his complete name, readily (and confirming rumor); just a bit too readily and confidently, to leave undisturbed the comfortable assumption that he was insane and therefore not really aware of and enduring his wretchedness. I could no longer think of him as having an animal's lower level of sensation and awareness; I had to consider the prospect that he suffered, daily, not just the hunger but the humiliation of his circumstance, the realization of his own culpability in his wretchedness. This horrible conjunction of complete responsibility for one's life and the hopeless circumstance of being trapped in one's own skin.
He was not much older than us adolescents; he had gone to school with some of our older siblings. How or why he went directly from high school to homelessness was unknown; he was assumed to be mentally unbalanced, perhaps an LSD casualty. He eventually disappeared. I suspect he moved on, realizing that he could not complete the total abnegation of society that is solitary homelessness if he was still sometimes recognized on the street, to die not long after in some foreign land within a twenty mile radius.
One night I had my falling dream. I remembered the article, and that quickly was in control of a perfectly lucid dream. I soared over the Beast, arms outstretched, banking langorously. Upon waking I was enthusiastic about my discovery. I assumed I had acquired some new ability that lead to who knows where. But I never had the dream of being suspended above the Beast again; and never again would I recognize and manipulate a dream. Needless to say, I would not recall another flying dream. Retracing my steps in the waking world, I was unable to find any evidence of the dream-people.
********
An inborn dread, a sort of latent panic familiar to my line, preceded me. This conviction that things will go wrong was perfectly unshakable by any device of socialization, rebellion, or medication. Ironically, this same fixedness in the breast of its unfortunate host makes it perfectly portable, and impervious to geography--maybe this is why my people have propelled themselves across all parts of the globe, if flight from this dread; maybe this is why now they seem determined to self-dissipate as a race. We can run but we can't hide.
Even this curious adaptation works as if it has its own ambition and designs, treating us as the means to our own end. A long line of dull European farmers crossed the Atlantic to become dull American farmers, settling in squarehead country in the perennially freezing dead center of the continent, where we felt at home. At some point we were displaced from land to city, and, characteristically unaware, set upon a modest decline from modest heights. We are being deselected.
The pioneers came west drawn by horses on wooden wheels over wild country. Years later it was rubber on asphalt, a trail of noxious fumes, and little fortitude required. A group bound by no comparable shared act of passage, by nothing in particular. I am of this family.
The last leg of our white trash odyssey was the motor journey into the American West, merging along the way with the Okies and the wetbacks, with the disillusioned alongside the delusional, the failed and the ambitious, those on the lamb and them on the make, all holding in common a crisis of options; to California.
My parents came to California sometime around 1960 with my then infant eldest brother, and my father's (no doubt presumptuous) certainty that his experience as a military policeman would land a job with the expanding LAPD. That this next part isn't a family secret is evidence, like a nonexistent pulse, that the family that should be jealously guarding it is dead. Regardless; my father failed the psychological evaluation for entrance into the LAPD. Upon hearing this many years after his death (news of which was belatedly received, by years for some of us, as well) his eldest son, who knew him as I didn't, chuckled and said, "maybe there's something to those psychological tests."
(...)
We were the people to whom things happened. We were the led. We created nothing and left no real impression. We surfed the wake of the creative and ambitious across an ocean, tramped behind them across a pristine continent, and settled in to toil in their concerns. We settled in, because we are adapted to nothing so much as rooting ourselves to a spot, any habitable land. The farms had passed into the hands of the capable to be made efficient; the same would happen with the industries, and our modest worth would be halved again. A subsequent decline in our numbers is the only decent result; as for us, we'll be taken care of, made comfortable, granted every liberty, even, who knows, there's always a chance the name could rally somewhere, like in some absurd film wherein a pair of morons give birth to a genius. This is not a lament, not a complaint. We haven't pulled our weight for generations. This is our atrophy.
We thought we were moving toward something, up a gentle incline perhaps (because we love nothing so much as a gentle incline, the gentler the better), but we were fleeing this whole time, because that's what dread and mobility combined are, flight. We were fleeing those who have been gradually displacing us for centuries: the smarter or the harder working, the sturdier stock; that is to say, the worthy.
This line, like many, runs out of momentum at the far edge of the world's last continent. Farther afield and more glorious a place than any of my dim-witted ancestors, or me, their dim-witted progeny, has any right to expect. We ran out of room at the Pacific; unable to keep going and impervious to the occurrence of an idea, we settled into our dull torpor, and we amuse ourselves fading away.
Labels: memoir